Thursday, 17 July 2008
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
I'm so fucking brave...
My probation period ends on monday here with MVCI. I just saw that they advertised a job within my work place for a position which basically deals with reselling packages to customers that have almost already made their mind up about the whole thing.
Its a challenging sort of thing but I decided to just go and speak to my teamleader, Christian. I asked him about the position and if he could see me working there. He said yes and asked if I wanted to work part time. No, I said, not really. Now he is going to speak to the people responsible and see if they would make it a full time position.
In case all goes wrong and I can't go to Scotland I now am quite sure at least that Im not going to be let go (firstly, and quite importantly, innit!?) and then that there might be a situation changing , more challenging, more responsible role waiting for me. So its sort of a win-win situation, just that I am not sure if either situation is VERY immensly desirable...
Maybe immensly desirable situations are a thing of the past anyway, a myth from puberty, a fainted silly-girls-storytale... is it?
I wanna go, have a good job, a good life, be beautiful, wonderful and clever. I wanna be great, and funny, liked and happy with my life. Not too much to ask I assume.
There is roughly about a zillion variations of happiness... and somehow I am quite convinced I should be able to archive some of them with the right attitude, hard work and one or two temper tantrums!
2 scottish clients on the phone today. i don't even find the scottish accent too terribly sexy but I canNOT stop flirting with them...... naughty kitty! you know i can pretend like it's you, don't you?
Its a challenging sort of thing but I decided to just go and speak to my teamleader, Christian. I asked him about the position and if he could see me working there. He said yes and asked if I wanted to work part time. No, I said, not really. Now he is going to speak to the people responsible and see if they would make it a full time position.
In case all goes wrong and I can't go to Scotland I now am quite sure at least that Im not going to be let go (firstly, and quite importantly, innit!?) and then that there might be a situation changing , more challenging, more responsible role waiting for me. So its sort of a win-win situation, just that I am not sure if either situation is VERY immensly desirable...
Maybe immensly desirable situations are a thing of the past anyway, a myth from puberty, a fainted silly-girls-storytale... is it?
I wanna go, have a good job, a good life, be beautiful, wonderful and clever. I wanna be great, and funny, liked and happy with my life. Not too much to ask I assume.
There is roughly about a zillion variations of happiness... and somehow I am quite convinced I should be able to archive some of them with the right attitude, hard work and one or two temper tantrums!
2 scottish clients on the phone today. i don't even find the scottish accent too terribly sexy but I canNOT stop flirting with them...... naughty kitty! you know i can pretend like it's you, don't you?
Rob Anybody
If Robin was anything like that he'd probably be a little more decent in my eyes too... :P
Today is one of those days where I can't giggeling. I dunno!
Since I got my new laptop I have access to alllllll Terry Pratchett books on tape and am currently listening to ... you guessed it... ALL of them. hehehe probably thats why I am on this sort of natural high!
Crivens! Im all happy and on a natural high without any good reason at all. Just okay sorta.
Hmmmmm...
Monday, 7 July 2008
Believe
It's easier to believe than to doubt. Its not important what you believe, you only have to believe.
Everett D. Martin
Everett D. Martin
Free Fallin'
And once again I find myself here... thinking what might be if I just let it go. Maybe the best time to leave is when things are not really bad. Maybe the best time to go is when you find that you can archieve more, live better, live MORE and experience more significant things...
I feel like I took a slightly wrong turn coming to Ireland. Its like I was hiking and took acharming little path that unfortunately lead to a cul-de-sac, by a river, with nice views and lots to discover but never the loess a proper cul-de-sac.
The part I most hate about this is walking back up this path. it always means packing your stuff, saying goodbyes, and then the big big emptiness that wants to be filled with new friends, new familiar places, new old habits.
I don't know if the mood I am in can be called melancholic. I am smiling a lot today and a few people told me I looked "very pretty" which is always a plus. I guess I am finding my inner balance again and the only weird thing about that probably is that I seem to find my balance as soon as the immediate decission to move again is in my mind.
Does it have to do with the fact I am so good at letting go now? Have I done this often enough to feel comfortable only when I enter territory others are scared shitless of? I know I want to go. It does have to do something with D. I hate saying it but it is true. I feel like if it wasn't partly for him and me too it would not be worth a single thought.
After all D has said to me, all the times he attempted to tear my innermost thoughts and believes apart I am all the more me. And all the more I can not let his disappear out of my life without having given the "we" a good shot. (In the head if he fucks up. Harhar!)
I am on late shift this week. Today is monday. Robin should be in from 5 on. I am not sure how to react. I am disappointed mainly, not too sad, eventhough my ego is scratched slightly. I don't feel like smiling at him. But would it be me if I stayed on an entirely formal basis? Maybe that is the best thing to do... if there is anything he's got to say to me... so be it, if not its clearly again is his loss.
It's funny how trust gets disappointed again and again.
When Elena told me teary-eyed she could not understand how I could give so much to every person I meet whilst being disappointed, hurt and used over and over again. I don't know. It's me. It might not be the cleverest part of me but it certainly is one of the things defining me. Everytime someone mentions it I feel like I have to defend myself for being that way. In my eyes it has NOTHING to do with letting people walk over me. I just appreciate the good times more than the distressing and I am happy to forgive if reasonable. For the amount of mistakes I made in my life with people --- I do take a lot from people in my life, attention, concentration... best way to show my gratefulness for that is to treat everyone around me with respect and trying to make everyone smile genuinely.
I can't stop thinking about you. You know I can't. I wish you could hug me -
Shes a good girl, loves her mama
Loves jesus and america too
Shes a good girl, crazy bout elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too
Its a long day living in reseda
Theres a freeway runnin through the yard
And Im a bad boy cause I dont even miss her
Im a bad boy for breakin her heart
And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
All the vampires walkin through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
A ll the good girls are home with broken hearts
And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin
Gonna leave this world for a while
And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
I feel like I took a slightly wrong turn coming to Ireland. Its like I was hiking and took acharming little path that unfortunately lead to a cul-de-sac, by a river, with nice views and lots to discover but never the loess a proper cul-de-sac.
The part I most hate about this is walking back up this path. it always means packing your stuff, saying goodbyes, and then the big big emptiness that wants to be filled with new friends, new familiar places, new old habits.
I don't know if the mood I am in can be called melancholic. I am smiling a lot today and a few people told me I looked "very pretty" which is always a plus. I guess I am finding my inner balance again and the only weird thing about that probably is that I seem to find my balance as soon as the immediate decission to move again is in my mind.
Does it have to do with the fact I am so good at letting go now? Have I done this often enough to feel comfortable only when I enter territory others are scared shitless of? I know I want to go. It does have to do something with D. I hate saying it but it is true. I feel like if it wasn't partly for him and me too it would not be worth a single thought.
After all D has said to me, all the times he attempted to tear my innermost thoughts and believes apart I am all the more me. And all the more I can not let his disappear out of my life without having given the "we" a good shot. (In the head if he fucks up. Harhar!)
I am on late shift this week. Today is monday. Robin should be in from 5 on. I am not sure how to react. I am disappointed mainly, not too sad, eventhough my ego is scratched slightly. I don't feel like smiling at him. But would it be me if I stayed on an entirely formal basis? Maybe that is the best thing to do... if there is anything he's got to say to me... so be it, if not its clearly again is his loss.
It's funny how trust gets disappointed again and again.
When Elena told me teary-eyed she could not understand how I could give so much to every person I meet whilst being disappointed, hurt and used over and over again. I don't know. It's me. It might not be the cleverest part of me but it certainly is one of the things defining me. Everytime someone mentions it I feel like I have to defend myself for being that way. In my eyes it has NOTHING to do with letting people walk over me. I just appreciate the good times more than the distressing and I am happy to forgive if reasonable. For the amount of mistakes I made in my life with people --- I do take a lot from people in my life, attention, concentration... best way to show my gratefulness for that is to treat everyone around me with respect and trying to make everyone smile genuinely.
I can't stop thinking about you. You know I can't. I wish you could hug me -
Shes a good girl, loves her mama
Loves jesus and america too
Shes a good girl, crazy bout elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too
Its a long day living in reseda
Theres a freeway runnin through the yard
And Im a bad boy cause I dont even miss her
Im a bad boy for breakin her heart
And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
All the vampires walkin through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
A ll the good girls are home with broken hearts
And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin
Gonna leave this world for a while
And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
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