Believe

It's easier to believe than to doubt. Its not important what you believe, you only have to believe.

Everett D. Martin

Free Fallin'

And once again I find myself here... thinking what might be if I just let it go. Maybe the best time to leave is when things are not really bad. Maybe the best time to go is when you find that you can archieve more, live better, live MORE and experience more significant things...
I feel like I took a slightly wrong turn coming to Ireland. Its like I was hiking and took acharming little path that unfortunately lead to a cul-de-sac, by a river, with nice views and lots to discover but never the loess a proper cul-de-sac.

The part I most hate about this is walking back up this path. it always means packing your stuff, saying goodbyes, and then the big big emptiness that wants to be filled with new friends, new familiar places, new old habits.

I don't know if the mood I am in can be called melancholic. I am smiling a lot today and a few people told me I looked "very pretty" which is always a plus. I guess I am finding my inner balance again and the only weird thing about that probably is that I seem to find my balance as soon as the immediate decission to move again is in my mind.
Does it have to do with the fact I am so good at letting go now? Have I done this often enough to feel comfortable only when I enter territory others are scared shitless of? I know I want to go. It does have to do something with D. I hate saying it but it is true. I feel like if it wasn't partly for him and me too it would not be worth a single thought.
After all D has said to me, all the times he attempted to tear my innermost thoughts and believes apart I am all the more me. And all the more I can not let his disappear out of my life without having given the "we" a good shot. (In the head if he fucks up. Harhar!)

I am on late shift this week. Today is monday. Robin should be in from 5 on. I am not sure how to react. I am disappointed mainly, not too sad, eventhough my ego is scratched slightly. I don't feel like smiling at him. But would it be me if I stayed on an entirely formal basis? Maybe that is the best thing to do... if there is anything he's got to say to me... so be it, if not its clearly again is his loss.
It's funny how trust gets disappointed again and again.

When Elena told me teary-eyed she could not understand how I could give so much to every person I meet whilst being disappointed, hurt and used over and over again. I don't know. It's me. It might not be the cleverest part of me but it certainly is one of the things defining me. Everytime someone mentions it I feel like I have to defend myself for being that way. In my eyes it has NOTHING to do with letting people walk over me. I just appreciate the good times more than the distressing and I am happy to forgive if reasonable. For the amount of mistakes I made in my life with people --- I do take a lot from people in my life, attention, concentration... best way to show my gratefulness for that is to treat everyone around me with respect and trying to make everyone smile genuinely.

I can't stop thinking about you. You know I can't. I wish you could hug me -



Shes a good girl, loves her mama
Loves jesus and america too
Shes a good girl, crazy bout elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too

Its a long day living in reseda
Theres a freeway runnin through the yard
And Im a bad boy cause I dont even miss her
Im a bad boy for breakin her heart

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin

All the vampires walkin through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
A ll the good girls are home with broken hearts

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im

I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin
Gonna leave this world for a while

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin