Dublin ...............................................................and more

Ellen Leprechaun!

In a "night and fog" action, as wel Germans call it, me and Dani decided to fly to Dublin to meet my new colleagues, Raiko and David. I hadn't slept more than 3 hours per night the whole week, so by the time it came to Friday, i had passed woring for 8.5 hours and packing my stuff plus a hurried shower I was knackered. And I knew I had a whole trip ahead of me still. Lots of so called complications, a chat up by an irish Belfast boy on the train who tried to kiss me and losing Dani in Prestwick Airport (good job, with it being four and a half square meters big in total), then flashing our boobs to the stale plane air while the plane rose into the air and landed again we were late... at least its not out fault. We meet them, I give Raiko a hug, I had been waiting to meet him and the conversations we had both via E-Mail and MSN convince me that no matter what happens this weekend, it will be alright.
As it turns out, David is a fantastic, funny bloke with a real talent to understand Dani and me, even when we are inside-joking like mad. To be quite honest, this is how I imagined him to be. Raiko is nervous. I can tell. Everyone can. I think he is really not at ease when talking to me. Many a times I just want to kiss him to stop him being so nervous, to say, look, you don't need to make such a fuss of it, I have read what you said and I've seen a little of your inside, too.
The reason I don't isn't clear to me until I realise that his nervous behaviour is actually influencing me too.

His tummie isn't well. Turns out he's got an ulcer too. I still don't understand why he drinks coffee and alcohol. I know the pain and I just really wouldn't risk it. Dani and me are totally knocked out, lack of sleep, excitement and THC have simmered to a hysteric thick mixture of random stupid talk. Its round about 5 in the morning when we go to bed.

Above: Putting on make up on Saturday morning, Ireland, SUNSHINE!? WTF?

Getting up the next morning is hard. We are still right between high and knackered. Additionally I feel embarressed for what ever we might have said the night before. I feel I really can not be held responsible. Raiko is feeling bad again, so he disappears. David takes us into town and we have dinner/lunch at a nice italian place. I think here I start realising that its only half time, We still got the same amount of time left before we leave.
At home me and Dani take showers and get dressed for a birthday party in town, Raikos best friends brithday. Before we leave we have another wee joint and at that occasion Raiko mentions that he thinks I really really look nice. Finally I think and am relieved. You seemed so disappointed!!!

Above: Dani in towel, which apparently made Raiko smile! Hehehee...

We go to the party. Raiko disappears. David , Dani and me sit outside and smoke fags, get cold eventually disppear home. I am quite close to frustration. I really like spending time with the other two but I came here for a completly differnet reason. A reason that probably currently spends its time with drinking alcohol to give his ulcer a head shot.
How handy that the taxi driver has the charisma of a 19 year old at the height of his sexual tension. We start chatting, then flirting, Dani is listening with big ears, and at the end of it all, including putting me down and telling me I am really no good at all he gives me his card and says: call me if you get a quiet minute. Frank Bryne. 089something. Pleased and pissed off with myself. I should be focussing on how to not make this the weirdest departure of all times.

Above: Moi, with red eyes... muharharhar!

The next morning Dani leaves to meet ex bf in town. She needs to sort the whole insecure feeling out, the longing love she has for this not even properly ex boyfriend. Even though I have agreed to come with her to meet him I ask her to let me off the hook. When she asks why I answer honestly. "I came here to meet and get to know Raiko. If I leave now we'll not get the chance at all." She nodds.
When she is gone I go up the stairs and knock on his door. Quietly. For a couple of minutes. He doesn't open. I sit in the living room and read a little. My thoughts keep drifting off. To the emails and MSN convos. To one particular thing he said that impressed me more than anything else. And that I am wondering if I am really that much of a disappointment to him or if there is just something inside him standing in the way of trying to actually really undestand me as a physical and actual person. At 12 or so I go up again and knock a little louder. He opens the door and I dive in. I'm trying to make things as comfortable as possible. Unfortunately he has got a talent to make things as uncomfortable as possible and I am confused and feel let down. I know there's this really great guy inside that I really want to see come out. Whats up with all the barriers and standoff-ish behaviour?

ABOVE: THE WONDERFUL DAVID EXNER with ANTON the pack of sugar.

We pick David up from his place, and decide on the way there that we should make a holiday. I really want to. Just me and him. Just see what happens. Eventhough my hopes for a romantic relationship have been drowned in a bit of selfpity and akwardness - I demand to know what the fuck that was, between me and him. Not sure if he just said that for no reason what so ever or if he knows I would still take any conversation between us seriously, even now.
He doesnt come to the airport with me and David, doesn't eat our self cooked rubbish dinner and huggs me good bye saying "well, any way..." which makes me giggle daftly. I wish there would have been the time to replace that giggle with all the words that it needed. But there wasn't time. Nor the right situation.

So, Raiko, this is especially for you. You've seen a silly, confused me on the weekend. I hope you were not too disappointed. There are many sides to me and this here, my blog, which made you contact me, is my inside. The place where I am recklessly honest with myself and others. I hope we'll find a way to deal with this weird situation. For some reaosn I think this didn't happen to disappoint eachother. Let's try to do it better the next time around.


After work today I will be meeting Tiia again. Hopefully. I can't wait.
And did I mention that my sexual frustration doesnt know steady, safe ground at this point in time? I am so sexally charged I walk around scanning the people around me. It needs to stop. Dave and me planned to meet eachother on the weekend. Not a good idea while I am still single and in need of a really really good weekend in bed with someone who mutually enjoys being with me.