#11 I don't trust myself with loving you

I don't trust myself with loving you by John Mayer

No i'm not the man i used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before i let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you


I will beg my way into your garden
And well I'll break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where i started
So i can want you back all over again
(I don't really understand)

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love
Who do you love?
Who do you love me or the thought of me? me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you

#10 the goodness

I asked someone what he thinks of me. I met him online and we have been talkng for a few days over few weeks now.

I think...
that you are a very sensitive caring person who is finding her way to be strong yet still be sensitive and in the process of building your confidence so that you truly be yourself and not be concerned with those who disapprove of you because I think you are learning that thost that disapprove of you are really insecure and jealous of the goodness in you

Thank you Chris...
People are in your life for a reason, a season, or forever...

#9 a rainy day

At the moment it is alright to be on my own. I am me, with my music, I sing along quietly and I acutally feel whole. Still I want to share this feeling with people but not with somone speciffic.
When I stood on the balcony smoking a cigarette fine water particles sprayed over my bare shoulders, the rain was falling and the wind carried the mist on to my body. The green on the balcony is so refreshing to the eyes- I live in the middle of a metropole, only need to walk 5 minutes to be right in the center and still this my little oasis.
I see my life spread out in front of me, in a few weeks I'll have my very own flat again...
"Stop this train... I wanna get off and go home again, I can't take the speed it's moving in, I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train..."...
It took me 20 years of living to realise that I am not lonely. I am alone.
Where ever I go I will meet people that will walk a bit of the way with me and even just thinking of them will give me some strengh to walk by myself.
I think I just stopped looking for the other human being that completes me. I am whole. I am looking for someone who is too and who I can proudly walk next to...

"Don't stop this train, not for a minute change the place you're in, And don't think I couldn't ever understand, I tried my hand, honestly we'll never stop this train"

#8 the dress

I went into town yesterday to buy something suitable for the upcomming wedding...
Having chosen about seven dresses I went to the changing room and tried the first one on. Tadaaaaaa! I didn't even try the others, it was like tailormade for me and when I stepped outside to look at myself in the mirror in the "hallway" I noticed all of the "husbands-waiting-for-their-wifes-to-finally-decide-what-they-want-being-bored"-heads turning torwards me. Yep, this is the dress. I didn't even try the other ones.
When I got home I turned the PC on and showed my favourite people my dress on the cam... how nice it is to get positive feed back. The thing that really convinced me of keeping this dress was Keith giving me a compliment. If you want to know what that feels like... being impressed with being able to see the Halley's comet, because it only happens once or twice in a lifetime(every 76 years...!).

I feel better about the wedding now. At least I won't look out of order, even though I might feel like it. I'll make sure to get a photo ... (see up ^^)

#7 episode 1 big impact songs...

New Deep - John Mayer

I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time

Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been

Is there a God?Why is he waiting?
Don't you think of it odd
When he knows my inner dwellings?
And look at the stars
Don't it remind you just how feeble we are?
Well it used to, I guess

Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fineI've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been

I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne and
You wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed
I know what you'll say
'This won't last longer than the rest of the day'
But you're wrong this time

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
I'm over the analyzing
Tonight

Stop trying to figure it out
Deep will only bring you down
You know, I used to be the back porch poet with a book of rhymes
Always open knowing all the time I'm probably
Never gonna find the perfect rhyme
For 'heavier things'

#6 wedding trouble

I have this friend who's gonna get married on the weekend, saturday. She asked me to come to her wedding. She is 20 now, about months younger than me, she's going to marry her boyfriend, an american soldier.
After talking to my mother about all of this I could take her advise and say yes, I am going to come. I am not happy about her decission, I feel like she doesn't have a plan for her life. All the time since I knew her she wanted to become a radio moderator and host. She started studying something unimportant here in Germany about 3 months ago, pretty much since she knew she was going to ger married. Suddenly I heared her say how much she wishes herself to have a baby. She used to be rather driven, did voluntary work in a local youth radio station and now her plan is going to the United States with him and getting pregnant, possibly studying (as the army pays for both of them, as far as I could figure it out) and well- to ma all this sounds like shes laying her life in his hands.
He english is good enough to communicate but I can't see her being a radio host. She has a strong german accent and grammatically theres not much that actually is a 100% right. LIving in america might sort a few things out, I understand that, but what happened to her dream, her goal? Did it disappear because she found someone who says loves her and she can love him back?

To those people I talked about this I told I am jealous on the one hand, me, who is so longing to get back out of Germany, but on the other hand I can't see myself being as blinded to give up my future. I finally came to have a plan for my career- and eventhough I can't wait to go this will help me to be able to move to where ever I want and earn money! I can't say how glad I am...

#5 sex and goooood sex

***
Elena was so kind to send me a link to a video on porntube, the manual (hehehe, litterately! Now that was a clever joke, huh?) to a womans g-spot-orgasm.

Now, dear men, as you might have noticed there is a very broad amount of women that start moaning when you fuck them, about half of them enjoy what you're doing, about 7% can actually cum only due to penetration.
I belong to the other 93% that need either clitoral or g-spot-massage to cum. And I am so fed up with men giving me all the disappointed looks and hurt egos because they couldn't make me cum just by sticking something inside me (I always wonder if they don't think about the fact through that canal usually babies are born and we definately don't want to have a equivalent sensation to that as to you're so thought-of wonder cocks!).


She asked me if I have ever had someone do that to me and when I thought about it I said yes, as I remebered my ex Dave.

"Dont think he every watched that, this was just his way of fingering- possibly the only good reason why i stayed with him for so long" ^^

So there's sex and theres good sex. Sometimes I wonder if the female orgasm is part of sex in some mens minds, or more like a bonus.
And I admit I don't need to cum to feel happy sleeping with someone. But still my sex drive is pretty much through the roof and if on the very "rare" occasions I have sex I lack satisfaction afterwards its like sitting a starving puppy in front of some puppy food and have it have a look at it and maybe sniff once or twice and then taking the bowl away from it.


Its just not fair, is it.


It sounds so easy but if I should ever find a man that lives up to my sex drives expectations I might be rather seducted to marry that one. Only if hes smart and wonderful as well of course. =D

Trust me, this won't be the only time that you'll read my outlook on sex and all having to do with it... I' like a bloody 13 year old - giggleling and being stupid about naughty topics and still blushing when someone says "Nice ass!!!" to me.

#4 dancing to myself

***

Last night after having cleaned my room out I still didn't feel like I was exhaused (astunnishing concidering the (a)mount of trash I brought downstairs to throw away!!!).

Pushed the "on"-button on "my" mp3-player. Live concert, cheering crowd, drums starting the whole thing off... I light candles and my hips start moving. In the beginning I don't even notice but then some deep warmth in my belly tells me to move my hands and arms, my feet start to feel light and I start dancing...

The shaddows on the wall show me my soft silhuette and I feel like I am playing a theatre play for myself, no speciffic topic, just that it's all about me and only me.

Maybe I can't name the exact poit when I "fell in love" with myself and it doesn't matter in the end, what it comes down to is nothing I'd be able to put in words...

#3 Words...

I have a passion for words and languages.
I started out quite alright in school, then came the big bang of my dad moving out and I forgot how to write, read, calculate- over night. I think this is when my impressively diastrous school career started off.
Mom and me moved out of our rural contry house (landlord being as kind to kick the freshly made single parent and her 7 year old daughter out) to Cologne, into one of the flats in my grandfathers lovely cityhouse. She practised pretty much every day with me so I could catch up on what I forgot of the first year of school, went to work and started studying to become a teacher.
For some reason and even though I hated the lessons with my mom, having to write texts she was dictating, I got into reading. Maybe my passion for being read out to as child and my books on tape got me into the whole thing. I loved and still love escaping into a world in between pages... besides from that it is what binds me and my best friend Elena together. Both obsessed with books.

Today I am blessed by the internet and mp3's that allow me to take books into my pocket where ever I go and disappear into another world by walking on the streets, shopping or while paining and drawing.
Some idiot once said that childrens books are silly and since then most parts of human kind that can read think they are for kids only.
I happily admit that I have a deep passion for Harry Potter books and I am convinced that people that read the same books like me in their childhood are most likely to understand and conncet with me.

Who hasn't read Pipi Longstockings, Momo and the Never Ending Story, Lotta, The Green Cloud should feel free to... it's about time!

Learning English opened my eyes for many new things but the most shocking thing possibly was that it opened my eyes for my mothertongue German. I came to think that those who never learn a foreign language miss out on something important. The conflict of having to try your very own and personal way of finding the words that suit you, to have to identify yourself with your own language first before you can do that, the insecurity and that you have to get over your fear of making mistakes and getting used to that until you don't make them anymore- all that had a deep impact on me. Reaching your point of utter confusion thinking in the one language, saying it in the other or mixing the languages up... it had me realise how much every one of us puts meaning into every word we say just by being able to express ourselves...

#2

Lately started talking a lot to my ex again. First big love. Not for him though.
Didn't imagine it to be as easy, after having my heart broken but it's lovely to have him wind me up and tease back, talk about important stuff and just chit chatting about...

Time to introduce important people in my life.

Mom: She's sorta old by now but still hot (says everyone else), teacher, slight anger management problem but still a lovely, loving person. Got my green eyes from her. My bad conscience speaks to me in her voice...

Claus: Mom's boyfriend, my ex science-teacher, very great guy that I live with right now. I don't really know him though. More on the interlectual side than on the creative or handy-crafty one, random singing and noise-making, best thing that ever happened to my mom, as far as i can see.

Dad: Kinda even older... 5o-something last time I checked, rather alternative life-style, talks and thinks (too) much, doesn't get a move on in the most inconvinient moments of life, very lovable thing (Got that from him as well but working on it myself). I guess I owe him my passion for human beings and minds.

Andrea: Calling here Mamadrea, my dads wife and plain gorgeous, very loving, warm and hectic person, clever, analytical and outspoken, tends to be too harsh on people, has been my second mom since I was 6.

Willem: My step-bother, Andreas son, who has been a part of my life since I was four or so, so damn funny and caring from what I remember, we don't have too much contact anymore though. He always smells really good! Still he is my brother and I'll be sure to take care of him when he needs me.

Elena: My best friend here in Germany and ANYWHERE in the world. Lives about 120 miles away from me, we went to school together. Goes to uni, is the kind of person that always has long term relationships and pisses me off with it, knows me better than anyone else and especially because of that tends to missjudge me...

-***-

Keith was the man I easily and happily would have stayed the rest of my life with. He lives near Milton Keynes/ England. and yeah... you better keep yor hands off him, otherwise I'll find a way to break them...
Dave was my first proper boyfriend and first big love- besides from very nice moments its been a horror trip and I only realised months later how horribly we treated eachother (more his fault in my eyes though ^^). He lives in London/England and works as geek.
MEN in my life in general seem to many to mention, I love them.

Most important person in my life is

ME
(since shortly)
I'm 20, have gone through enough shit in my life to be told that in my case "age is just a number" by old people and oh well... I am Trouble. No, actually, theres really people that call me by that name- It suits me. I got a big talent in life- I survive the shit I get myself into. I am damn proud of that...

#1

1.) I'm being stupid.
2.) Need stop shagging people that succeed escaping afterwards!
3.) Good morning world!

Since I lost my mp3 player the other week I stole mom's bf's one. Well stealing includes not asking for permission and I did that... should rather call it kidnapping as I didn't give it back. Yet. Discovered I can set the display to different colours and since them change the colour hourly ("orchid" at the moment, wondering if those people discovered that orchids have a wide vatiety of colours not just that nice purple-pink...).
Can't believe I am still hooked on John Mayer.
Daphi's fault. Um... who's Daphi? Daniel, swedish guy/musician with ice-cream truck (still trying to figure which of those makes him hot) I found on youtube. ("Daphi87" if anyone wanted to check on him)
Oh bless YouTube!!!
I gave my best to ignore "Your body is a wonderland" when it came out here in Germany, firstly because I had that judgemental idea of the song being cheesy and secondly because my english sucked back then so I didn't actually get into the idea of checking if I was right...

So now I downl... I organised myself all John Mayer music I could get hold of and am hooked since roughly about 2 or 3 months. Yeah yeah, politics, books and music--- big parts of my life.
And no, I am not trying to be boring, you are either blessed with that skill or you won't be able to truely bore people!


Feel like I'm in fucking England, all the rain in the middle of the summer makes me sick. Though England wasn't that rainy when I lived there, quite shocking! I don't feel like going outside, and if I do then only because I'm on some hormonal trip causing me to be in an incredibly good mood and then am the only person smiling foolishly walking through the inferno of water falling from the sky and messed up hair-do's.
Planning my holidays in Sweden and desperately hoping for bad weather while i stop by someones house (nope, not hot ice-cream-daphi), that might help to not leave the bed for a few hours, possibly days?!
But besides from that I am not sure what I'll do. Just gonna be interesting to see what lifes like over there, because all I know for now is that you spend a shitload of money on surviving... you pay for the air you're breathing, so they say...

For now this should be enough to start my new blog project...
I'm off back to music and trying to figure out how this works now...