The Sweetness Of Life

Because I am grumpy in the morning and D just is grumpy all day you can really notice the different in moods. Just as small example - he found it most entertaining to answer "Quarter past eight..." to my sleepy, mumbled inquiry: "What time is it?", which had me shoot up straight up in bed, because I need to be at work at 9. And the trains never go when you need them to.
He laughed when I checked the clock and fell back into the pillows. 07:08. Piss off. What a shit way to wake up. But hey, if this is shitty I now know what I have been lacking all my life! Very inappropriate, unfunny comments in the morning.
I was late for work anyway BUT it was worth it. Going to the bus together, getting off the bus, buying my ticket and a good-bye kiss before we make our ways to the opposite platforms... and then non-verbal communication across the rail tracks. I had to take a picture.

YES, I am an alien. I don't know what "normal" stuff feels like to others. I think its really, really nice.

Now the picture turned out better than I wanted. Because he was stading close to the edge he was standing a little more in the morning light which makes him stand out. Two people in the background on each side. In the left upper corner: "Paisley Gilmour St". And best of all: The poster over his left shoulder: "HAPTIC" hehehe Anyone who knows me knows I am!


Dear Elena...
Have I told you recently about my life and how its sweet?
Have I informed you properly where my footsteps lead?
I trail away, I walk about, I brush you walking by
He makes my day, you make my past, on you I can rely.
You're missing here, more every day,its doesn't hurt too bad
Haven't seen you in a while, just lacking you, and no, it isn't sad,
Since I am here and you are there, since we are far apart -
I thought that I should tell you this: You hold the pieces of my heart.

Watch me disappear...

I see them interacting and I wonder who the hell invented that private little Armageddon called puberty. And the equivalent of this in the adult world: raising children. In a way I am glad I can't get involved, on the other hand I am constantly watching myself NOT saying what I think and even though I think my opinion on some of the topics might be valuable - I have no right what so ever to make any of it my piece of cake.
The more I observe the more I understand Claus. It must have been hell seeing mom and me not listening to each other. It's so bloody frustrating.

Moving into my flat on Friday. Jesus, am I gonna be a skint little bunny once I have paid the rent. Kindly, Jessica is taking care of the deposit!!! Thank fuck!!!

Other important news: If I smile, I smile thinking of D. I am in Paisley right now. TV night. MMMmmmh! I feel appreciated!

In Scotland... weeheeey!

I moved to Scotland last Monday. 11th of August. Stressful, great week since then. I managed to create some trouble already and am not disappointed with myself more than usual. I am seeing D and the kids frequently. It's going great, even though I am rather disappointed that I can be so insecure. It seems a bit like i am fixing my own problems with discussions I don't want to have but have to be done. I am as well trying to reflect on myself and NOT thinking too much, because D has forbidden over-use of brains in every situation apart from life threatening occasions.
Some of the greater things he said is that he isn't worried about "the age" and "the weens". I can see us being great together he says and he has it about him, that I take his serious things even more serious when they sound ridiculously like a mock-up. Boy, do I hate not being able to stop crying sometimes.
I cried a whole fucking lot. For stupid tiny reasons in most cases. Only the last time he asked a seriously mean question. Have you had your heart broken, Elly.
Did I Elena. I am not sure,thinking about it now, but when he asked me I said yes instantly. He asked me what happened. Apart from not knowing how to explain my head almost instantly said: I don't want to talk about it, - and my lips said it too.
I am here. I will sign my contract for my lovely new flat on Friday. In 3 weeks I will be going to my moms wedding, with Keith my dear ex and I am falling a little more each day for a certain D.
Sunday was a seriously challenging day. As far as Sunday challenges go. Donna was in a bad mood and I spoke to her after some confusion what the hell was wrong. I just said that I like her and that I understand she needs to talk to her dad on her own, but that I'd like to be there and be a part of the whole thing too, especially when the topic concerns me too.
D is being great. It seems to be dug in my head that everything that feels good has to crash, the better it feels the quicker it crashes. I might be a dreamer but I am the one with nightmares.
I am missing Elena a lot. It's the time of my life where I see my path splitting in two. I am growing and I now have the choice.

Why are you here Elly?

I'm looking for a home.

And this is a home looking for someone, he said.

I didn't even go teary eyed at that. It sounds stupid saying it but it sounded too good to be true. Not sure if D will really and truly understand what it would mean to me but I am sure I won't be able to avoid the terror inside my head. It is going to break, everything I touch breaks. No one wants me for longer.
I told him i wouldn't hurt him. I can not allow anyone to hurt me either. Is that why i am thinking I am worthless, that everyone one can see behind my mask? And when people ask me what I think is behind the mask... nothing. I know I am not hiding anything anymore. But i can't stop thinking of myself as a bad influence. Like Elena's parents didn't want us to be friends. I always wanted to say: NO I AM NOT. All I thought truly was, they are right.
D and me. D and me. D and the monsters and me.

One of the best parts was cooking for them and D's face starting to glow and shine. In the kitchen he gave me a hug and a kiss and said it was good. "That's the way to my heart, Elly, not through the pants, through the stomach." Running me a bath is clearly the way to mine.

All is crazy and the weekends aren't as quiet or not providing as much freedom as I would like. We would like. Not having spent one truly private minute with him yet. I can't wait.

I understand him more and more. And it's not pissing me off at all. I hope he feels the same about my mind because any other way is a slippery slope to self destruction in my case and a master plan for disaster in his.





german saying: if the cats out of the house the mice party. in this case: if daddy is busy on the PC I shall terrorise my sis with the remote control!

Everybody wants to know...

Last weekend I spent in Scotland. I arrived on Friday in Prestwick and made my way up to Paisley. Coming into Gilmoure Street where I changed trains I had a biiiiiiig nervous butterfly in my tummy, not much unlike "OH my god, the Beatles played right here, thats where John Lennons foot stood.", jsut because I knew that D takes the train from there every day to work. Hopped on the other train. Going to IBM. Job interview. Slightly scary. At the end of it they told me I was successful and that they would contact me on monday. Good news, one thing done, more importantly now: Meet D.
Telling myself; Dont die, don't drool, dont behave silly. Dont speak too much, don't make stupid remarks or comments, aaaarrrhhhg oh my god.
And then, after waiting for the train for roughly an hour and further 24 minutes on the train my phone rings, poor bloke has been waiting all the time at the trainstation.
I hurry out. I see him through a window even before I'm down the steps. I bark and run. And hug him. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

I had such a good time that weekend. I feel like I am steadily and slowly but surely realising how good this is.
D and me seem to have a good time together. And I am happy I can make him smile. And I had a really good time with the mini-monsters as well.

I got the jobs, Ill be flying over on Monday. I cant wait to see all of them again :)