In Scotland... weeheeey!

I moved to Scotland last Monday. 11th of August. Stressful, great week since then. I managed to create some trouble already and am not disappointed with myself more than usual. I am seeing D and the kids frequently. It's going great, even though I am rather disappointed that I can be so insecure. It seems a bit like i am fixing my own problems with discussions I don't want to have but have to be done. I am as well trying to reflect on myself and NOT thinking too much, because D has forbidden over-use of brains in every situation apart from life threatening occasions.
Some of the greater things he said is that he isn't worried about "the age" and "the weens". I can see us being great together he says and he has it about him, that I take his serious things even more serious when they sound ridiculously like a mock-up. Boy, do I hate not being able to stop crying sometimes.
I cried a whole fucking lot. For stupid tiny reasons in most cases. Only the last time he asked a seriously mean question. Have you had your heart broken, Elly.
Did I Elena. I am not sure,thinking about it now, but when he asked me I said yes instantly. He asked me what happened. Apart from not knowing how to explain my head almost instantly said: I don't want to talk about it, - and my lips said it too.
I am here. I will sign my contract for my lovely new flat on Friday. In 3 weeks I will be going to my moms wedding, with Keith my dear ex and I am falling a little more each day for a certain D.
Sunday was a seriously challenging day. As far as Sunday challenges go. Donna was in a bad mood and I spoke to her after some confusion what the hell was wrong. I just said that I like her and that I understand she needs to talk to her dad on her own, but that I'd like to be there and be a part of the whole thing too, especially when the topic concerns me too.
D is being great. It seems to be dug in my head that everything that feels good has to crash, the better it feels the quicker it crashes. I might be a dreamer but I am the one with nightmares.
I am missing Elena a lot. It's the time of my life where I see my path splitting in two. I am growing and I now have the choice.

Why are you here Elly?

I'm looking for a home.

And this is a home looking for someone, he said.

I didn't even go teary eyed at that. It sounds stupid saying it but it sounded too good to be true. Not sure if D will really and truly understand what it would mean to me but I am sure I won't be able to avoid the terror inside my head. It is going to break, everything I touch breaks. No one wants me for longer.
I told him i wouldn't hurt him. I can not allow anyone to hurt me either. Is that why i am thinking I am worthless, that everyone one can see behind my mask? And when people ask me what I think is behind the mask... nothing. I know I am not hiding anything anymore. But i can't stop thinking of myself as a bad influence. Like Elena's parents didn't want us to be friends. I always wanted to say: NO I AM NOT. All I thought truly was, they are right.
D and me. D and me. D and the monsters and me.

One of the best parts was cooking for them and D's face starting to glow and shine. In the kitchen he gave me a hug and a kiss and said it was good. "That's the way to my heart, Elly, not through the pants, through the stomach." Running me a bath is clearly the way to mine.

All is crazy and the weekends aren't as quiet or not providing as much freedom as I would like. We would like. Not having spent one truly private minute with him yet. I can't wait.

I understand him more and more. And it's not pissing me off at all. I hope he feels the same about my mind because any other way is a slippery slope to self destruction in my case and a master plan for disaster in his.





german saying: if the cats out of the house the mice party. in this case: if daddy is busy on the PC I shall terrorise my sis with the remote control!