Happily ever after...

My dads birthday is on the 25th of November. My Mom pointed out to me that my dads birthday is easy to remember: Born on the 25th of November 1952 the whole thing looks like this: 25/11/52 and can be mirrored in the middle. :)
So on Monday i called him to say Happy Birthday. I knew something was wrong. The dog had to be put down. Dad almost cried on the phone and told me how he buried her in the snow covered garden the night before his birthday and that he had not thought about it until his wife Andrea came to congratulate him on his birthday.
He explained that he had always wanted a dog after he adopted Gypsy, the other Munsterlander whom he came across in a "friends" house , who gave the dog marijuana to eat for entertainment purposes. Dad had decided to buy a Munsterlander when he had found a place to settle down and feel good about. I remember visiting my dad on a weekend and he came home in the car with a tiny puppy, so cute.
The way Papa talked about the family life he lived with us was pretty much the first time that I didn't feel like we were a nuisance to him. He painted a happy family life picture. I never thought about it that way. Surprising.

I am glad Maira did not have to fight through the next winter like she did the last two. No food would stay down, or be digested like usual. She was a fighter, clearly, but obviously it was the right decission to have her put to sleep. I know my dad would never have done it if there was a hope that she was gonna be fine until she dies naturally.

Dad said: She died like she lived, tenderly, calm... I will remember her as a nutcase with incredibly soft fur and a kind , clever mind.

Weather forecast? Funny and Warned!

How is each country influenced by the weather? What does it to the characteristics of the people that live in it?

Lets see? Here we go: Italy? Oily food. Warm, tomato-y and nurturing. Makes sense. Warm weather, warm hearts, warm humour. Get me?
Then there's France. Warm winds mean herbs, generally, geographically speaking, quite ideal for everything, aaaach, good mother earth shat where France is now...
Netherlands. Great country. Green meadows, cows, one or two traitorous windmills, perfect for weed-growing, apparently. I like. You like? I'll give ya a tenner.
Ireland. Fuck me, how very un-funny. It's not so much a weather as an occasional condition. Humour? None. In fact there is not much substantial all together in Cork, which is the part I have learned to respect from the distance.
England. I've been warned. It has only been mildly shit, not enough to give an convincing impression of constant foggy nights and rainy, hopeless days. Humour? As dry as can be. Aha. Most of it is, never the less, just as wet behind the ears as the half-drunk dick who loudly HA-HA-HA-s his joke in your direction.
Scotland? Cannot give good judgement on something you have not fully experienced yet. Rather convinced I would have the chance to experience all possible weather conditions eventually up here, yet not enough time to way for every eventuality.
Germany. Germany is quite alright weather wise, actually. There might be snow on Christmas, there might be hot burning sun in summer, with out burning the beautiful flowers, dry out the lakes, you see where I'm going. So why are Germans so incredibly pessimistic? Is perfect not perfect enough?

I reckon its a matter of interpretation.

The end, the beginning...

So Dave and me broke up. I can't believe it's only like 10 days ago. I was devastated, I was angry, unhappy and generally rather UN emotional about the whole thing. Immensely relieved not having to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect career woman yet. And really sad because I have loved wholly, both for his flaws and his strengths of character. I mourned the end of a dream and the end of a future I was able to picture perfectly with him. Its over now, and thank fuck of that. It hurts, badly, but I am much rather single than constantly having to question myself.

And then Ben came over. Ben, my Ben. Like Mio my Mio, cockney version. He hates flying, yet he got on a plane on Friday and flew in to see me. I tried to fight him off emotionally, just have a giggle and some sex with him and then i brought him to the airport on Monday, kissed him good bye and went him. When I got home I charged my phone and listened to my voicemail: "ELLEN, there's been a MAJOR fuck up!!! I am flying tomorrow. I don't know how to get back! Call me as soon as you get this!!!!" I was laughing and laughing and laughing. Called him, Dani and Niko came over anyway and Dani and me picked Ben up. As soon as I saw him i knew I would have had the shittiest night in quite some time if he had really left that night. After smoking with us, Dani and Niko left and Ben and me talked. And talked, and talked and talked.

And made love. Slowly, intensely, closely. Awake until 5 in the morning, talking, crying, chatting, cuddling. I had to go to work the day after. Yesterday. And he was in the flat. What an odd feeling. Usually we don't see each other and there are miles and miles and miles between us, but yesterday we kept calling each other well knowing that we were just 5 minutes away from each other. He flew home. He called me. We talked. Very seriously. Very clearly. We decided to take 2 weeks time to sort our heads out. If we should still feel what we felt this weekend on the 10th of December we will be an item.

All I see in Ben right now is that he's changed. He takes responsibility. He keeps his word. He is serious. I am amazed at the fact he is scared shitless of flying yet he came over just to come and save me. While I was at work on Friday he called. Just to let me know that he had just bought sweets for me and flowers. I had forgot all about it when we got home but before the door he had hid the flowers in our flowerbed and gave them to me. SOOOOOoooooooooo sweet.

WTF. Haven't I just broken up with Dave? Am I not supposedly heartbroken. This morning in the bus to work I had that strange thought: Ellen, you get over relationships and break ups rather easily. Yes, I am heartbroken but I seem to be able to see the light and move on no matter what. No point in dwelling. maybe there is a huge force behind not wanting to feel that way for very long. Can't take it, stops me in my tracks. An object at rest takes so much more energy to get moving again. Below a picture of the proof that Ben knows me inside out. The sweets he got me were winegum stawberries, and he has betitled them: "Shut-up-sweets". Everytime I talk rubbish, he shoves one in my mouth and says smiling: Oh shut up!

Success. Odd!!!

<<I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain>>

But then there is clarity. I see this day as something very special. You know what happened? They made my logo which I designed for work the main logo for all SWAC teams world wide. It will be at the bottom of every email sent by one of our representatives. It will be on posters and merchandise. Oh my god.
When I used to lie about myself, and the things I did I felt it was easier if I tried to make it minor lies. I would never have lied about something as massive as this. What an achievement for wee old me!!! Fucking 22. So Proud.

After the quarrel with my dad I sort of feel like I don't need to prove anything anymore. I am fine just where and how I am.

Recently finding myself obsessed with cupcakes. Need go and buy baking stuff. Need start taking part in contest for worlds cheesiest cupcake. Soon!
And then I am getting my internet home on Wednesday! Finally! I'll finally be able to read about what i want to read about, to inquire and to research at any time I want again.

Had a lovely evening yesterday with Dave. I am on the right path. Just let me walk it. It's my life.

Things I need to let go, Vol. 1

Dad

that was sooooo out of order! so you don't think you wanna go to "one of the most northliest countries in the EU during x-mas time", yes? Amazing. because its the only time i got time to spare. Because i have been asking you to come and visit me since i started moving ABROAD FIVE F-ING YEARS AGO. Because , hey, I love a single dad and see him with his kids every day, someone who cares ****loads about family and their well being, someone who worries about their future and hopes the best for them. Someone filled with pride and love whenever he sees his children regardless of how difficult the situation might be.
You are not one of those dads?! You are one of the dads who don't give a birds dollop about their child once they don't live under the same roof with you anymore? someone who will not call to say happy birthday because he is on holiday in tuscany, while the birthday child is working as usual? you are not one of those who want to keep track of the progress in life of their children, want to see how , where and with whom they live, what they see and do every day? you are not one of those, heh?

Poor you. You are missing out!

My mother taught me that you cannot change someone else, you can only change your attitude towards what upsets you. Okay.
I will have to let you go as a father. you are someone who is too busy with himself to notice when you are needed. Truly needed. And with all the love I have for you I will now nurture myself, my own dreams and hopes, because wasting it would be a shame.