Dublin ...............................................................and more

Ellen Leprechaun!

In a "night and fog" action, as wel Germans call it, me and Dani decided to fly to Dublin to meet my new colleagues, Raiko and David. I hadn't slept more than 3 hours per night the whole week, so by the time it came to Friday, i had passed woring for 8.5 hours and packing my stuff plus a hurried shower I was knackered. And I knew I had a whole trip ahead of me still. Lots of so called complications, a chat up by an irish Belfast boy on the train who tried to kiss me and losing Dani in Prestwick Airport (good job, with it being four and a half square meters big in total), then flashing our boobs to the stale plane air while the plane rose into the air and landed again we were late... at least its not out fault. We meet them, I give Raiko a hug, I had been waiting to meet him and the conversations we had both via E-Mail and MSN convince me that no matter what happens this weekend, it will be alright.
As it turns out, David is a fantastic, funny bloke with a real talent to understand Dani and me, even when we are inside-joking like mad. To be quite honest, this is how I imagined him to be. Raiko is nervous. I can tell. Everyone can. I think he is really not at ease when talking to me. Many a times I just want to kiss him to stop him being so nervous, to say, look, you don't need to make such a fuss of it, I have read what you said and I've seen a little of your inside, too.
The reason I don't isn't clear to me until I realise that his nervous behaviour is actually influencing me too.

His tummie isn't well. Turns out he's got an ulcer too. I still don't understand why he drinks coffee and alcohol. I know the pain and I just really wouldn't risk it. Dani and me are totally knocked out, lack of sleep, excitement and THC have simmered to a hysteric thick mixture of random stupid talk. Its round about 5 in the morning when we go to bed.

Above: Putting on make up on Saturday morning, Ireland, SUNSHINE!? WTF?

Getting up the next morning is hard. We are still right between high and knackered. Additionally I feel embarressed for what ever we might have said the night before. I feel I really can not be held responsible. Raiko is feeling bad again, so he disappears. David takes us into town and we have dinner/lunch at a nice italian place. I think here I start realising that its only half time, We still got the same amount of time left before we leave.
At home me and Dani take showers and get dressed for a birthday party in town, Raikos best friends brithday. Before we leave we have another wee joint and at that occasion Raiko mentions that he thinks I really really look nice. Finally I think and am relieved. You seemed so disappointed!!!

Above: Dani in towel, which apparently made Raiko smile! Hehehee...

We go to the party. Raiko disappears. David , Dani and me sit outside and smoke fags, get cold eventually disppear home. I am quite close to frustration. I really like spending time with the other two but I came here for a completly differnet reason. A reason that probably currently spends its time with drinking alcohol to give his ulcer a head shot.
How handy that the taxi driver has the charisma of a 19 year old at the height of his sexual tension. We start chatting, then flirting, Dani is listening with big ears, and at the end of it all, including putting me down and telling me I am really no good at all he gives me his card and says: call me if you get a quiet minute. Frank Bryne. 089something. Pleased and pissed off with myself. I should be focussing on how to not make this the weirdest departure of all times.

Above: Moi, with red eyes... muharharhar!

The next morning Dani leaves to meet ex bf in town. She needs to sort the whole insecure feeling out, the longing love she has for this not even properly ex boyfriend. Even though I have agreed to come with her to meet him I ask her to let me off the hook. When she asks why I answer honestly. "I came here to meet and get to know Raiko. If I leave now we'll not get the chance at all." She nodds.
When she is gone I go up the stairs and knock on his door. Quietly. For a couple of minutes. He doesn't open. I sit in the living room and read a little. My thoughts keep drifting off. To the emails and MSN convos. To one particular thing he said that impressed me more than anything else. And that I am wondering if I am really that much of a disappointment to him or if there is just something inside him standing in the way of trying to actually really undestand me as a physical and actual person. At 12 or so I go up again and knock a little louder. He opens the door and I dive in. I'm trying to make things as comfortable as possible. Unfortunately he has got a talent to make things as uncomfortable as possible and I am confused and feel let down. I know there's this really great guy inside that I really want to see come out. Whats up with all the barriers and standoff-ish behaviour?

ABOVE: THE WONDERFUL DAVID EXNER with ANTON the pack of sugar.

We pick David up from his place, and decide on the way there that we should make a holiday. I really want to. Just me and him. Just see what happens. Eventhough my hopes for a romantic relationship have been drowned in a bit of selfpity and akwardness - I demand to know what the fuck that was, between me and him. Not sure if he just said that for no reason what so ever or if he knows I would still take any conversation between us seriously, even now.
He doesnt come to the airport with me and David, doesn't eat our self cooked rubbish dinner and huggs me good bye saying "well, any way..." which makes me giggle daftly. I wish there would have been the time to replace that giggle with all the words that it needed. But there wasn't time. Nor the right situation.

So, Raiko, this is especially for you. You've seen a silly, confused me on the weekend. I hope you were not too disappointed. There are many sides to me and this here, my blog, which made you contact me, is my inside. The place where I am recklessly honest with myself and others. I hope we'll find a way to deal with this weird situation. For some reaosn I think this didn't happen to disappoint eachother. Let's try to do it better the next time around.


After work today I will be meeting Tiia again. Hopefully. I can't wait.
And did I mention that my sexual frustration doesnt know steady, safe ground at this point in time? I am so sexally charged I walk around scanning the people around me. It needs to stop. Dave and me planned to meet eachother on the weekend. Not a good idea while I am still single and in need of a really really good weekend in bed with someone who mutually enjoys being with me.

TIIA

You are beauty and you are more than can be decribed with words. I wanted to kiss you, softly, give you all you ever wanted from a woman, I wanted to make your everything alright. You are so much like me. Like we found, two oaks, the same bark, the same wood, the same tree, just different leafs. If you are so much like me, how could I go on hating myself for being myself. And how could I accept you disliking yourself when you can hold me dear in your thoughts for ever. I just let the words flow torwards you. You said being around me is like being wrapped in a comforting blanket? This blanket will never slide off your shoulders, may you be alone, or not. I will be there, for ever remembering I first loved the person, not the gender. You are beauty, you are whole and I could never forgive myself self hate again, knowing that you have seen your reflection in my eyes. Four hours? Three? I have never loved anyone like I have loved you before, and I never will ever have a moment like this again. One of a kind, so alike , so different. I wish I could shut up, I think you have that thought sometimes too... But you know its us. We will not be silenced and if our heart wants to speak it will be heared. So hear me, and listen closely. Nothing in the world has ever changed me as much as this has. A few hours with you. You evil good good evil.
Nothing I can put into words how thankful I am, how blessed i feel, how much i want you to be rewarded like the goodness you are ------ now I am a happy WHOLE of me. The hole in half of me is now filled by you.

Right as rain... & ...Orecchio Blu

Things are getting really weird. I look up his profile, I see his pictures on my HD, I find excuses to talk to him.
I don't remember ever getting unreasonable with my hopes and expectations. Eventually I always move on and am quite convinced that people don't notice any of this in me while it is going on.
And he is nice to my new friend too. In a really different way I realised today when telling Dani about it. When he is kind, friendly... nice to her he is doing that because thats just what she makes you do. She's tiny and kinny and a really funny, butterflyish person. It's like with a child. Nice or a cousin. Someone you just have to like Hahahahaahahaa.
No, seriously. It's true.
I reckon my chances are still pretty good. He is trying to make eye contact with me. There just always that big question mark between us. A very sexy, curvy and somehow sparky question mark. lol

An army of monkeys...

At work. Its Monday. I am pleased. I recently got into the art of getting up early. There is a special ingredient to this potion of restfulness --- they call it early sleep. My mom swears that the sleep before midnight is more restful and generally more healthy than the one past 12 in the night. Don't know if that's rubbish or not, However I decided to go to bed early in the last couple of weeks. And I wake up around 6. Maybe 5. Its lovely. I had the chance to take lovely pictures of a golden/pink sunrise over Greenock, I am more awake during the day time. unfortunately my late nights have been cut to zero, I even went to bed at 10 on the weekend. Fuck it, I am having fun. Below, please find one of the pictures I took Saturday morning or click here to be directed to my flickr page! ^___^

I am in work an hour early today because Dani would have been late for work had she kept waiting for the bus. we took a taxi.

Living with her is amazing. We are having so much fun and even though I occasionally am too full of company and need time to myself, there is no one but her I would rather live with. :)
Financial situation is tits up, properly. I need the money I was given for X mas by my gran. But at least that means that I will be debt free again and then we, Dani and me, can start saving again. We are planning to cook lots at home, buy monthly tickets at the beginning of the month, I'll stick to smoking tabacco instead of ready rolled fags. I think we should be able to save some money!

I got monkey obsessed lately. This is a japanese snow monkey. They love bathing and the hot springs in the winter. The most adorable pictures are being taken of them. Makes me realise how close monkeys and humans are. And they clearly are more relaxed. :)

... new year resolutions cock-up...

Okay, it's not like anyone who knows me longer than 2 days couldn't have told me this in advance but my new years resolution to stay away from MENkind and leave them to rott for a while has lasted for exactly 2 days until i went back to work after new years eve.
It seems to be commonly recgonised theory that all hunky, lovely, funny, witty, somehow intriguing men are in relationships and that makes life really fucking hard. Where have I been concidered in this rather unfair world order??? It's one of those "If you're not in, you're out!" sort of things. I did concider the option of maybe just being interested in non single guys because of the unavailability thing, but trust me, the unavailable part is the last sexy thing about those blokes. I am thinking of 2 right now but 1 of them I just recently met and am enchanted no end. Damn you, men!!! Don't be witty and funny and great and stuff all at the same time when you already have a gf! What the heck am I supposed to do? My inner lioness with wobbly hips comes prowling out as soon as it gets the chance to focus on a yummie bite! I'll get ya by your hind legs eventually, you know? Aaaaand I know you noticed me, ANNND i know you are boody well flirting too.
So here, action plan: Dump your girl. Lets go for a pint!