Love, love love..

Just watched the Sex and the city movie. I must have saved it for a special occasion in my mind because NOW I am on the way to actually being myself again. Aye, I even got watery eyes when "Auld Lang Syne" was playing, because of what I have lost, because of the hurt, because of Scotland and my life here.
I did not realise that my heart was dark and secluded until I saw the sun rising over it again.

New light, new hope, same good old life! Time to wake up and stop protecting my heart from what might be valuable experience!

Colour me happy!

How are you, Ellen? Everything alright?
Aye, its been a good few days. Bearing in mind that it's winter and I'm in bloody Scotland where the surroundings are dipped in darkness past 16:00 I am proud to say I have avoided to actually have a nervous breakdown and/or winter depression. My dear dealer provided me with enough to bring me over the last week and the coming one happily and calm, I have made a couple of new friends within the Blue Building and am a happy, contempt single, looking forward to a date next week.
Yes D.A.T.E. : Delightful Attendance of Timed Emotionality. Hehe. Graham is his name. Lives in Dumbarton (or close)(-ish), which instantly makes me think Dumb-arse-ton, when ever I hear/read it. This has nothing to do with the only person I know there. He's a nice guy.
Dumbarseton is on the other side of the Clyde. Shockingly apparently the quickest way to get there is to go up the Clyde to Glasgow and then down in my direction again, just on the other side. What the heck did the people do before there was public transport here? A raft of turnips would do the job perfectly!
We'll see how that goes. Apart from that Jessica is moving out on the 20th still, and I'll be working over x-mas. I took 3 days holiday next week so I'll have a total of 5 days off. Woohoo.

I got a terrible crush on someone at work. Got a girlfriend. Apparently all good guys are gone anyway. I agree to disagree and shall hobble on trying to find one for myself. In due course.
It's nice being single, allowed to flirt and laugh and be a silly cow 99% of my day.

I'm buzzzzzzzing <^> <^> <^>

I know, its odd. With it being the 5th of December and still a wee while to go till christmas I feel tricked by both my body and mind. Like your parents swearing there really is a Santa. My body and mind are in full-blown spring. I am flirty as fuck, not naughty flirty but substantially flirty, if there should be such a thing.
Theres that guy I talk to during day time. I don't really get the WHY either, but I fancy the muggins out of him. Everytime I see him I blush like a freshly spanked ass, oh surprise, he even already noticed that. Being myself I have of course let him know that hes got my attention. He was flattered. Or scared. Both. He likes me though. NAnanananaaaaanaaaaaa! Cor!!!) Which is fine by me. I can't bring myself to take anything about this twittery feeling serious.

I got a feeling there's something gonna happen. Sorta doubt his girlfriend will be impressed to find out if there should be something to come that she could find out.

Note to self: Avoid for things to be able to be found out about. (Why do things easily when you can do 'em complicated!)

Scienidiotology!

Since years now I am keeping myself informed what is going on with Scientology. So this is my invitation to you: Please inform yourself about Scientology. Please know how organisations like that effect you and the people around you. Please Keep Your Eyes Opened! Thank you for building a nation beyond geography. We are Anonymous. We are legion. We are one. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.

Crisp! (and jawlocked!)

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Happily ever after...

My dads birthday is on the 25th of November. My Mom pointed out to me that my dads birthday is easy to remember: Born on the 25th of November 1952 the whole thing looks like this: 25/11/52 and can be mirrored in the middle. :)
So on Monday i called him to say Happy Birthday. I knew something was wrong. The dog had to be put down. Dad almost cried on the phone and told me how he buried her in the snow covered garden the night before his birthday and that he had not thought about it until his wife Andrea came to congratulate him on his birthday.
He explained that he had always wanted a dog after he adopted Gypsy, the other Munsterlander whom he came across in a "friends" house , who gave the dog marijuana to eat for entertainment purposes. Dad had decided to buy a Munsterlander when he had found a place to settle down and feel good about. I remember visiting my dad on a weekend and he came home in the car with a tiny puppy, so cute.
The way Papa talked about the family life he lived with us was pretty much the first time that I didn't feel like we were a nuisance to him. He painted a happy family life picture. I never thought about it that way. Surprising.

I am glad Maira did not have to fight through the next winter like she did the last two. No food would stay down, or be digested like usual. She was a fighter, clearly, but obviously it was the right decission to have her put to sleep. I know my dad would never have done it if there was a hope that she was gonna be fine until she dies naturally.

Dad said: She died like she lived, tenderly, calm... I will remember her as a nutcase with incredibly soft fur and a kind , clever mind.

Weather forecast? Funny and Warned!

How is each country influenced by the weather? What does it to the characteristics of the people that live in it?

Lets see? Here we go: Italy? Oily food. Warm, tomato-y and nurturing. Makes sense. Warm weather, warm hearts, warm humour. Get me?
Then there's France. Warm winds mean herbs, generally, geographically speaking, quite ideal for everything, aaaach, good mother earth shat where France is now...
Netherlands. Great country. Green meadows, cows, one or two traitorous windmills, perfect for weed-growing, apparently. I like. You like? I'll give ya a tenner.
Ireland. Fuck me, how very un-funny. It's not so much a weather as an occasional condition. Humour? None. In fact there is not much substantial all together in Cork, which is the part I have learned to respect from the distance.
England. I've been warned. It has only been mildly shit, not enough to give an convincing impression of constant foggy nights and rainy, hopeless days. Humour? As dry as can be. Aha. Most of it is, never the less, just as wet behind the ears as the half-drunk dick who loudly HA-HA-HA-s his joke in your direction.
Scotland? Cannot give good judgement on something you have not fully experienced yet. Rather convinced I would have the chance to experience all possible weather conditions eventually up here, yet not enough time to way for every eventuality.
Germany. Germany is quite alright weather wise, actually. There might be snow on Christmas, there might be hot burning sun in summer, with out burning the beautiful flowers, dry out the lakes, you see where I'm going. So why are Germans so incredibly pessimistic? Is perfect not perfect enough?

I reckon its a matter of interpretation.

The end, the beginning...

So Dave and me broke up. I can't believe it's only like 10 days ago. I was devastated, I was angry, unhappy and generally rather UN emotional about the whole thing. Immensely relieved not having to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect career woman yet. And really sad because I have loved wholly, both for his flaws and his strengths of character. I mourned the end of a dream and the end of a future I was able to picture perfectly with him. Its over now, and thank fuck of that. It hurts, badly, but I am much rather single than constantly having to question myself.

And then Ben came over. Ben, my Ben. Like Mio my Mio, cockney version. He hates flying, yet he got on a plane on Friday and flew in to see me. I tried to fight him off emotionally, just have a giggle and some sex with him and then i brought him to the airport on Monday, kissed him good bye and went him. When I got home I charged my phone and listened to my voicemail: "ELLEN, there's been a MAJOR fuck up!!! I am flying tomorrow. I don't know how to get back! Call me as soon as you get this!!!!" I was laughing and laughing and laughing. Called him, Dani and Niko came over anyway and Dani and me picked Ben up. As soon as I saw him i knew I would have had the shittiest night in quite some time if he had really left that night. After smoking with us, Dani and Niko left and Ben and me talked. And talked, and talked and talked.

And made love. Slowly, intensely, closely. Awake until 5 in the morning, talking, crying, chatting, cuddling. I had to go to work the day after. Yesterday. And he was in the flat. What an odd feeling. Usually we don't see each other and there are miles and miles and miles between us, but yesterday we kept calling each other well knowing that we were just 5 minutes away from each other. He flew home. He called me. We talked. Very seriously. Very clearly. We decided to take 2 weeks time to sort our heads out. If we should still feel what we felt this weekend on the 10th of December we will be an item.

All I see in Ben right now is that he's changed. He takes responsibility. He keeps his word. He is serious. I am amazed at the fact he is scared shitless of flying yet he came over just to come and save me. While I was at work on Friday he called. Just to let me know that he had just bought sweets for me and flowers. I had forgot all about it when we got home but before the door he had hid the flowers in our flowerbed and gave them to me. SOOOOOoooooooooo sweet.

WTF. Haven't I just broken up with Dave? Am I not supposedly heartbroken. This morning in the bus to work I had that strange thought: Ellen, you get over relationships and break ups rather easily. Yes, I am heartbroken but I seem to be able to see the light and move on no matter what. No point in dwelling. maybe there is a huge force behind not wanting to feel that way for very long. Can't take it, stops me in my tracks. An object at rest takes so much more energy to get moving again. Below a picture of the proof that Ben knows me inside out. The sweets he got me were winegum stawberries, and he has betitled them: "Shut-up-sweets". Everytime I talk rubbish, he shoves one in my mouth and says smiling: Oh shut up!

Success. Odd!!!

<<I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain>>

But then there is clarity. I see this day as something very special. You know what happened? They made my logo which I designed for work the main logo for all SWAC teams world wide. It will be at the bottom of every email sent by one of our representatives. It will be on posters and merchandise. Oh my god.
When I used to lie about myself, and the things I did I felt it was easier if I tried to make it minor lies. I would never have lied about something as massive as this. What an achievement for wee old me!!! Fucking 22. So Proud.

After the quarrel with my dad I sort of feel like I don't need to prove anything anymore. I am fine just where and how I am.

Recently finding myself obsessed with cupcakes. Need go and buy baking stuff. Need start taking part in contest for worlds cheesiest cupcake. Soon!
And then I am getting my internet home on Wednesday! Finally! I'll finally be able to read about what i want to read about, to inquire and to research at any time I want again.

Had a lovely evening yesterday with Dave. I am on the right path. Just let me walk it. It's my life.

Things I need to let go, Vol. 1

Dad

that was sooooo out of order! so you don't think you wanna go to "one of the most northliest countries in the EU during x-mas time", yes? Amazing. because its the only time i got time to spare. Because i have been asking you to come and visit me since i started moving ABROAD FIVE F-ING YEARS AGO. Because , hey, I love a single dad and see him with his kids every day, someone who cares ****loads about family and their well being, someone who worries about their future and hopes the best for them. Someone filled with pride and love whenever he sees his children regardless of how difficult the situation might be.
You are not one of those dads?! You are one of the dads who don't give a birds dollop about their child once they don't live under the same roof with you anymore? someone who will not call to say happy birthday because he is on holiday in tuscany, while the birthday child is working as usual? you are not one of those who want to keep track of the progress in life of their children, want to see how , where and with whom they live, what they see and do every day? you are not one of those, heh?

Poor you. You are missing out!

My mother taught me that you cannot change someone else, you can only change your attitude towards what upsets you. Okay.
I will have to let you go as a father. you are someone who is too busy with himself to notice when you are needed. Truly needed. And with all the love I have for you I will now nurture myself, my own dreams and hopes, because wasting it would be a shame.

Chama

At work, its Halloween.
I was just given my new nick name. Chama. "Flame" or "on fire". Suits me fine. ^_____^

The heart of life

"I hate to see you cry,
lying there in that position,
there's things you need to hear
so turn off your tears and listen

life throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around,
no, it will not go away, it should,
but i know the heart of life is good

I know it's good"

As John Mayer said so nicely.
Now after being single for 3 or 4 hours on the 19th of October Dave asked if I wanted to try it again. And since then my life is fine. Amazingly, everything changed. I feel loved and appreciated and that in itself is too good to be true. But then actually by the guy I am so badly in love with it hurts sometimes is pretty damn great. Yesterday Johnny, Ross and me carved a beautiful pumpkin. I shall upload a picture or two asap.
Then that AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING night with Dave. And in the morning Donna and me put our make-up on together in D's and my bedroom, chatting away. Very strange that everything is sooooo good. i ain't complaining though.
Maybe determination, cheerfulness and a clever head on your shoulders does help you to achieve what you want and need?!

Stopped smoking

2.5 days. No fag. Sore mouth from disolving no smoking aid longzenges frequently. Very proud. Sauna with Mikko later.
Elena coming from 1st - 10th of October. WOOOFUCKINGHOOOOO! We'll sort yer head out, gaspode! Tomorrow dinner with Britta and Nadine. Wednesday over at D's place. Wish the silly man would stop saying we're heading for diseaster.
Falling in love, me thinks.

Stop smoking

Dunno if you are as amused by it as me but I am grumpy before I even started to stop. I know it's gonna be shit but more than anything else I will be so disappointed with myself if I don't last. That alone seems such a put off. But is it enough motivation? In the end it's not god who is going to judge me, but myself. Have to stop now.
On Saturday.
Or Friday.

Hell, when will I stop smoking????

The Sweetness Of Life

Because I am grumpy in the morning and D just is grumpy all day you can really notice the different in moods. Just as small example - he found it most entertaining to answer "Quarter past eight..." to my sleepy, mumbled inquiry: "What time is it?", which had me shoot up straight up in bed, because I need to be at work at 9. And the trains never go when you need them to.
He laughed when I checked the clock and fell back into the pillows. 07:08. Piss off. What a shit way to wake up. But hey, if this is shitty I now know what I have been lacking all my life! Very inappropriate, unfunny comments in the morning.
I was late for work anyway BUT it was worth it. Going to the bus together, getting off the bus, buying my ticket and a good-bye kiss before we make our ways to the opposite platforms... and then non-verbal communication across the rail tracks. I had to take a picture.

YES, I am an alien. I don't know what "normal" stuff feels like to others. I think its really, really nice.

Now the picture turned out better than I wanted. Because he was stading close to the edge he was standing a little more in the morning light which makes him stand out. Two people in the background on each side. In the left upper corner: "Paisley Gilmour St". And best of all: The poster over his left shoulder: "HAPTIC" hehehe Anyone who knows me knows I am!


Dear Elena...
Have I told you recently about my life and how its sweet?
Have I informed you properly where my footsteps lead?
I trail away, I walk about, I brush you walking by
He makes my day, you make my past, on you I can rely.
You're missing here, more every day,its doesn't hurt too bad
Haven't seen you in a while, just lacking you, and no, it isn't sad,
Since I am here and you are there, since we are far apart -
I thought that I should tell you this: You hold the pieces of my heart.

Watch me disappear...

I see them interacting and I wonder who the hell invented that private little Armageddon called puberty. And the equivalent of this in the adult world: raising children. In a way I am glad I can't get involved, on the other hand I am constantly watching myself NOT saying what I think and even though I think my opinion on some of the topics might be valuable - I have no right what so ever to make any of it my piece of cake.
The more I observe the more I understand Claus. It must have been hell seeing mom and me not listening to each other. It's so bloody frustrating.

Moving into my flat on Friday. Jesus, am I gonna be a skint little bunny once I have paid the rent. Kindly, Jessica is taking care of the deposit!!! Thank fuck!!!

Other important news: If I smile, I smile thinking of D. I am in Paisley right now. TV night. MMMmmmh! I feel appreciated!

In Scotland... weeheeey!

I moved to Scotland last Monday. 11th of August. Stressful, great week since then. I managed to create some trouble already and am not disappointed with myself more than usual. I am seeing D and the kids frequently. It's going great, even though I am rather disappointed that I can be so insecure. It seems a bit like i am fixing my own problems with discussions I don't want to have but have to be done. I am as well trying to reflect on myself and NOT thinking too much, because D has forbidden over-use of brains in every situation apart from life threatening occasions.
Some of the greater things he said is that he isn't worried about "the age" and "the weens". I can see us being great together he says and he has it about him, that I take his serious things even more serious when they sound ridiculously like a mock-up. Boy, do I hate not being able to stop crying sometimes.
I cried a whole fucking lot. For stupid tiny reasons in most cases. Only the last time he asked a seriously mean question. Have you had your heart broken, Elly.
Did I Elena. I am not sure,thinking about it now, but when he asked me I said yes instantly. He asked me what happened. Apart from not knowing how to explain my head almost instantly said: I don't want to talk about it, - and my lips said it too.
I am here. I will sign my contract for my lovely new flat on Friday. In 3 weeks I will be going to my moms wedding, with Keith my dear ex and I am falling a little more each day for a certain D.
Sunday was a seriously challenging day. As far as Sunday challenges go. Donna was in a bad mood and I spoke to her after some confusion what the hell was wrong. I just said that I like her and that I understand she needs to talk to her dad on her own, but that I'd like to be there and be a part of the whole thing too, especially when the topic concerns me too.
D is being great. It seems to be dug in my head that everything that feels good has to crash, the better it feels the quicker it crashes. I might be a dreamer but I am the one with nightmares.
I am missing Elena a lot. It's the time of my life where I see my path splitting in two. I am growing and I now have the choice.

Why are you here Elly?

I'm looking for a home.

And this is a home looking for someone, he said.

I didn't even go teary eyed at that. It sounds stupid saying it but it sounded too good to be true. Not sure if D will really and truly understand what it would mean to me but I am sure I won't be able to avoid the terror inside my head. It is going to break, everything I touch breaks. No one wants me for longer.
I told him i wouldn't hurt him. I can not allow anyone to hurt me either. Is that why i am thinking I am worthless, that everyone one can see behind my mask? And when people ask me what I think is behind the mask... nothing. I know I am not hiding anything anymore. But i can't stop thinking of myself as a bad influence. Like Elena's parents didn't want us to be friends. I always wanted to say: NO I AM NOT. All I thought truly was, they are right.
D and me. D and me. D and the monsters and me.

One of the best parts was cooking for them and D's face starting to glow and shine. In the kitchen he gave me a hug and a kiss and said it was good. "That's the way to my heart, Elly, not through the pants, through the stomach." Running me a bath is clearly the way to mine.

All is crazy and the weekends aren't as quiet or not providing as much freedom as I would like. We would like. Not having spent one truly private minute with him yet. I can't wait.

I understand him more and more. And it's not pissing me off at all. I hope he feels the same about my mind because any other way is a slippery slope to self destruction in my case and a master plan for disaster in his.





german saying: if the cats out of the house the mice party. in this case: if daddy is busy on the PC I shall terrorise my sis with the remote control!

Everybody wants to know...

Last weekend I spent in Scotland. I arrived on Friday in Prestwick and made my way up to Paisley. Coming into Gilmoure Street where I changed trains I had a biiiiiiig nervous butterfly in my tummy, not much unlike "OH my god, the Beatles played right here, thats where John Lennons foot stood.", jsut because I knew that D takes the train from there every day to work. Hopped on the other train. Going to IBM. Job interview. Slightly scary. At the end of it they told me I was successful and that they would contact me on monday. Good news, one thing done, more importantly now: Meet D.
Telling myself; Dont die, don't drool, dont behave silly. Dont speak too much, don't make stupid remarks or comments, aaaarrrhhhg oh my god.
And then, after waiting for the train for roughly an hour and further 24 minutes on the train my phone rings, poor bloke has been waiting all the time at the trainstation.
I hurry out. I see him through a window even before I'm down the steps. I bark and run. And hug him. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

I had such a good time that weekend. I feel like I am steadily and slowly but surely realising how good this is.
D and me seem to have a good time together. And I am happy I can make him smile. And I had a really good time with the mini-monsters as well.

I got the jobs, Ill be flying over on Monday. I cant wait to see all of them again :)

Safe...

"Don't you think its too much to ask for, elly?" ---

I'm so fucking brave...

My probation period ends on monday here with MVCI. I just saw that they advertised a job within my work place for a position which basically deals with reselling packages to customers that have almost already made their mind up about the whole thing.
Its a challenging sort of thing but I decided to just go and speak to my teamleader, Christian. I asked him about the position and if he could see me working there. He said yes and asked if I wanted to work part time. No, I said, not really. Now he is going to speak to the people responsible and see if they would make it a full time position.
In case all goes wrong and I can't go to Scotland I now am quite sure at least that Im not going to be let go (firstly, and quite importantly, innit!?) and then that there might be a situation changing , more challenging, more responsible role waiting for me. So its sort of a win-win situation, just that I am not sure if either situation is VERY immensly desirable...
Maybe immensly desirable situations are a thing of the past anyway, a myth from puberty, a fainted silly-girls-storytale... is it?
I wanna go, have a good job, a good life, be beautiful, wonderful and clever. I wanna be great, and funny, liked and happy with my life. Not too much to ask I assume.
There is roughly about a zillion variations of happiness... and somehow I am quite convinced I should be able to archive some of them with the right attitude, hard work and one or two temper tantrums!

2 scottish clients on the phone today. i don't even find the scottish accent too terribly sexy but I canNOT stop flirting with them...... naughty kitty! you know i can pretend like it's you, don't you?

Rob Anybody

If Robin was anything like that he'd probably be a little more decent in my eyes too... :P

Today is one of those days where I can't giggeling. I dunno!
Since I got my new laptop I have access to alllllll Terry Pratchett books on tape and am currently listening to ... you guessed it... ALL of them. hehehe probably thats why I am on this sort of natural high!

Crivens! Im all happy and on a natural high without any good reason at all. Just okay sorta.
Hmmmmm...

Believe

It's easier to believe than to doubt. Its not important what you believe, you only have to believe.

Everett D. Martin

Free Fallin'

And once again I find myself here... thinking what might be if I just let it go. Maybe the best time to leave is when things are not really bad. Maybe the best time to go is when you find that you can archieve more, live better, live MORE and experience more significant things...
I feel like I took a slightly wrong turn coming to Ireland. Its like I was hiking and took acharming little path that unfortunately lead to a cul-de-sac, by a river, with nice views and lots to discover but never the loess a proper cul-de-sac.

The part I most hate about this is walking back up this path. it always means packing your stuff, saying goodbyes, and then the big big emptiness that wants to be filled with new friends, new familiar places, new old habits.

I don't know if the mood I am in can be called melancholic. I am smiling a lot today and a few people told me I looked "very pretty" which is always a plus. I guess I am finding my inner balance again and the only weird thing about that probably is that I seem to find my balance as soon as the immediate decission to move again is in my mind.
Does it have to do with the fact I am so good at letting go now? Have I done this often enough to feel comfortable only when I enter territory others are scared shitless of? I know I want to go. It does have to do something with D. I hate saying it but it is true. I feel like if it wasn't partly for him and me too it would not be worth a single thought.
After all D has said to me, all the times he attempted to tear my innermost thoughts and believes apart I am all the more me. And all the more I can not let his disappear out of my life without having given the "we" a good shot. (In the head if he fucks up. Harhar!)

I am on late shift this week. Today is monday. Robin should be in from 5 on. I am not sure how to react. I am disappointed mainly, not too sad, eventhough my ego is scratched slightly. I don't feel like smiling at him. But would it be me if I stayed on an entirely formal basis? Maybe that is the best thing to do... if there is anything he's got to say to me... so be it, if not its clearly again is his loss.
It's funny how trust gets disappointed again and again.

When Elena told me teary-eyed she could not understand how I could give so much to every person I meet whilst being disappointed, hurt and used over and over again. I don't know. It's me. It might not be the cleverest part of me but it certainly is one of the things defining me. Everytime someone mentions it I feel like I have to defend myself for being that way. In my eyes it has NOTHING to do with letting people walk over me. I just appreciate the good times more than the distressing and I am happy to forgive if reasonable. For the amount of mistakes I made in my life with people --- I do take a lot from people in my life, attention, concentration... best way to show my gratefulness for that is to treat everyone around me with respect and trying to make everyone smile genuinely.

I can't stop thinking about you. You know I can't. I wish you could hug me -



Shes a good girl, loves her mama
Loves jesus and america too
Shes a good girl, crazy bout elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too

Its a long day living in reseda
Theres a freeway runnin through the yard
And Im a bad boy cause I dont even miss her
Im a bad boy for breakin her heart

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin

All the vampires walkin through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
A ll the good girls are home with broken hearts

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im

I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin
Gonna leave this world for a while

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin

Cork ... Ireland. Shit weather

Dear Whoever might be reading this...
It is summer. Even in Ireland. How do you notice? The hail and rainstorms sort of milden down to frequent little reminders of your geographical location.
One of the first hints I got when I went to Ireland was: If you have planned to do something, do it regardless of the weather--- its not going to play by your rules.
One valuable piece of information!!! And so true.

outstandingly wonderful men... random order, special people...

Oliver